1st of September and the first day of class

Tomorrow, September 1^st, will be the first day of the single online course, SDV101, I’ll be taking at WWCC. I am sure the curriculum will be grueling and more than what I was expecting but, this is something that I must do after all the years that I have wasted in my own imagined misery when I was younger. The online course ends in October so this is somewhat of a relief and will then leave more time to dedicate to the other three courses. The Psychology course may be the hardest and I am sure I will have some gainful insight on the thought and learning process that I both did not and will be going through. Thus far I have read parts of the reading materials and have gained some knowledge. English I am retaking as I scored a “C” back in ’94 when I took the course for the first time. I am retaking this course hoping for an improved score to assist my application to the Nursing program that is offered at the college. I am sure much has changed since when I took the course and the teachers assignments were to write about what you did the previous day and a favorite book. Even letting classes go early. Hopefully I’ll have some insight into writing better in English though I feel it currently isn’t horribly poor. Physiology shouldn’t be too difficult. I seem to grasp this concept more than expressing myself properly in English and the concepts on Psychology since Psychology is about idealism's proven and disproved. I suppose getting some thoughts down in this journal will help me recognize where there are flaws and if not I am sure the teacher will point them out in the writing that I’ll be doing. Studying is not my forte. So this upcoming course will give me some perspective in what I could do to improve my habits and give me insight on my type and style of study habits. I’ll improve and perfect to the best of my ability what I need to do to get acceptance into the Nursing program by deriving the knowledge from the courses taught to attain the highest grades possible. There simply is no doubt that I will be an improved man by December 17^th. I feel I am already underway and am greatly inspired. This vision will not be for naught. 

The Weekend .. Almost

It’s my weekend, Sunday and Monday off and I'm thinking it’s beginning to get a little old. I've kept this job this long only for the respect of my employer and the convenience of overnight work for the extra dollar an hour. This has helped greatly to the things that I have committed to in the last few years. In addition, I've all the day to do what I need to do. This job isn't one known for great respect but it is employment. I've had the benefits of this employment though I'll admit I may have not taken it to my greatest advantage. The near future will provide no more exceptional benefits other than insurance (stock and 401k are on the back burner). It was not till recently that I've made life changing decisions that I should have made long ago and I did not make plans for these changes. More recent changes in my attitude have led to advantages that I'll reap in the coming months and into my future. Though I am currently in a fair position and my employer will be changing my workable hours, I may need to change jobs. It will likely pay less by a couple dollars an hour but I'll be working days and hopefully I’ll find a new employer will make way for my courses that I’ll be taking in college. This may be my positive needed change. I'll need to focus on curriculum and study to gain knowledge retention and to derive a proper G.P.A for acceptance in the nursing program. I am a fairly decent learner but age does have its tolls. With that said I likely should depart and choose a different course of financial gain.

One and a half weeks! Only one and half weeks till my first day of class. This will be a new beginning for me. Doing all those things that I knew could and wanted to do for so many years. In my past I had decided that I would squander most of my money on replacing, repairing and purchasing those things that I neglected or broke and purchasing those things I didn't actually need and the remainder was trying to pay off a credit card balance accumulated from the for mentioned. Time wasted. Money squandered. I won’t delve into the bigger picture, of course it’s more than frivolous spending but, I felt like I was trapped emotionally with things that simply were not going well and allowed some of these things to bother me. I damaged myself financially which is the smaller part of not going to school; it was whatever place my mind was in. It was a dreary and ambiguous existence. From day to day I was utterly confused and had no direction as to where I should be and where I should go. Occasionally, I had times when things were more untroubled but I slipped back down. Finally, I’ve been able to get away from these times.

Beginning sometime last year, I had done a number of things differently: I've saved more, utilized a credit card less, and have become more than intrigued by a different diet, The Kind Diet. What ever bothered me in my past has seemed to dissipate. Motivation is the downfall of mine. I've grown a habit of laziness trying not to fall victim to spending money on expensive things by staying at home and doing nothing. I have a long way to go to attain the happiness I’m seeking. I hope to accomplish this by a journal of my thoughts here hoping for a greater sense of clarity. To chronicle my plans as best I can and seek the inner me that still exists and has been quietly and patiently waiting to be born.

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death”

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death" Albert Einstein.

I always did like PBS. What I gathered intellectually and knowledge retained is another story. At least I had learned something for a time that allowed for a different perspective on certain events in history, places and things upon the Earth and people of interest. Programming such as Nova, Scientific American, archeology and paleontology programs were always of great interest. Most interesting were the cooking shows of which I've not prepared a single culinary creation from. What purpose those programs served to keep me alive and learning never manifested itself to day to day living, most specifically the cooking programs. I supposed I still always dreamed of creating fantastic dishes and healthier foods and exploring the fantastic ideas and places presented on these shows. Now, at least, I am preparing myself to indulge in a better diet. This diet will not come specifically from anyone of the culinary programming I've seen but rather the Bloggers  blogs that I've read. I have decided to eat better. These examples are defined by consuming less animal proteins and devise a diet of vegetables, grains and beans. This I believe will suit my needs as for some time now meats give me the feeling of great weight and a tiresome feeling. I have come to believe this is one of the factors that have held me back in sustaining a better existence for myself. But my situation is a condition of many things which include an irresponsibility and lack of motivation without a future perspective and lowered self-esteem with a certain sense of anger towards myself and others. There are many culprits along my way and many things I've tried that I believed would change my course. It’s possible I failed from loss of diligence and patience but it’s mostly my poor attitude. The fug has lifted. 


Something occurred to me on May 27 of this year as I was an outpatient having my wisdom teeth removed. Nursing is a pretty cool job. I always did like the physician’s office or the hospital. It simply never occurred to me that I could become a nurse. Maybe somewhere in my mind I believed I would be relegated to menial tasks and jobs no one else wanted or that I wouldn't be accepted for employment. I don't recall my thought processes that led to my pasts decisions exactly but I can image they'd be with some self-salvaging delusion. Within a week later I had made a choice. I would indeed attend college this next semester for an education toward a position where higher education is a requirement. This time I'll give it my whole hearted honest try. I'm 40, not 30 and not 24. Whatever place my mind was in at those ages I cannot say. There was some threshold I could not cross. This much is true. The nurse that practiced on me at the facility inspired me. I wanted to be a part of this action in that I could be a part of this action and will be a part of this action. I had wished to be a part of a greater good rather than a culprit of it. 


Come the 8th of September I'll be re-beginning college on course for the nursing program offered at Wor-Wic. I've a full course load and I believe this would be my best opportunity to advance in spite of the curriculum. I do know I did respectively well in my past semesters - my grade was lowered only because I missed a couple classes not because of poor test scores. English 101 I am retaking to improve my grade which should give me a greater opportunity of acceptance into the nursing program. Psychology will be my greatest problem. I have never been greatly analytical of thoughts and people. Fortunately I have few outside responsibilities and can devote attention to the detail that will be required in assignment and class participation. A job change will be an added improvement which may be a step down from my current employer but possibly a necessity. This semester will be a whole hearted attempt that will be fulfilling which will allow me the adaptations I have been searching for that I've never known the explanation of. Maybe I can unlock the hidden me that I know is there and develop him as he would have grown from this age and time forward. 


Hopefully I'll make a couple friends along my journey. An outgoing personality I do not have but friends are important. An outlet to grow psychosocially. This will be my next step. Opening up to others.


Wish me luck. Not that I need it.